First, if you drove a black Lincoln Navigator over the West Seattle bridge in the last couple weeks and cannot for the life of you figure out why EVERYONE was so frikking mad at you, well, here are some clues…  You came up on everyone’s ass like a Titan IVb rocket and then passed-and-cut-them-off (without so much as a turn signal) at 72 frikking miles per hour in a 45 MPH zone.  I was doing 50 at the time.  Your Lincoln Navigator is NOT a sports car and the West Seattle bridge is NOT the Bonneville salt flats a highway/freeway.

Second, if you feed the raccoons in my neighborhood then you are a part of the problem.  I hope to get some of their shit from around the trees in my yard and spread the wealth with you.  Raccoons are not cute, not sweet, not cuddly and are definitely not friendly to people or their yards.  Meanwhile, my Hellfire missiles are at the ready for the next Raccoon Night of Terror.  You’ve been warned.

Third, and this is to the shits who made-off with ALL the black figs (about 17-pounds worth) from a tree that is clearly NOT YOURS, stay on the frikking sidewalk or get your photo/video posted on YouTube.  Yepper, I’ve trained some motion-activated, wireless, IP-addressed cameras on the fruit trees and it is only a matter of time until you give me the video that you so richly deserve.  I would have gladly shared those figs if you had only asked.  Oh, and start picking up your doggy crap!

Fourth, if you are non-gay and a visitor at your friendly, local gay bar do NOT start talking smack like, “I totally HATE the Dixie Chicks and everything that they stand for!”  First, it makes you look like a Benito Mussolini puppet (read:  a fucking fascist).  Second, the Dixie Chicks were totally within their constitutionally-protected rights to speak their mind about the politics of the day (tea party rhetoric, anyone?).  And, finally, I will totally rake you over the constitutional coals and then give you a swirly…in the bathroom of that gay bar (and I won’t be nice about it).  “Hate” is for VD, bleu cheese, 8-track stereos and neo-nazi twits.

EDIT (24 Sept 09):  I don’t care if you don’t like the music made by the Dixie Chicks, or even if you don’t like them (as a band/as people)…you even have the right to HATE them outright.  Just know that words mean things, have consequences, and you have a certain amount of social responsibility in this SOCIETY of ours.  Remember, the operational part of SOCIETY is SOCIAL.  M’kay?